Archive | August, 2011


22 Aug

All I wanted to was to quickly and calmly open my box of Capn’ Crunch.

As I went to slip my hand into the open space between the two lid flaps on the stiff box of cardboard, my forehead glistened in anticipation of the deliciousness that was about to ensue.

Like pros, my hands works their way into the center of the crevice and smoothly pushed outward to the edge of the box. But something went horribly wrong. The glue holding the top flaps together was much too strong! I used all of my available skills to work the cardboard flappers free, but they just wouldn’t budge.

Next, unthinkable! The cardboard ripped at the edges making the lid flap an ugly uneven mess. I didn’t even want to look at it, let alone eat any of the Capn’s goodness. I felt like ripping my skin apart just as I had decimated what was once a lovely colored cardboard box of crunchy morsels.

How will I survive such an act of selfish greed? I could have had more patience. I could gotten a pair of scissors! Or a perhaps ran the box under some warm water. Anything to loosen the green grip of envy that the glue kept in an attempt to keep my cereal from me.

I ate the entire box.




4 Aug

All I wanted was a flavored beverage packed with sugar.

It was just after lunch, I had eaten too much pizza and chips and needed a sugary drink to save me before I fell into a catastrophic cat nap. I had tons of work to do and no time to throw into the garbage of a useless nap. What am I, 5?

I grabbed a vitamin water and headed back to work. Sleepily sipping on my drink, waiting for my sugar high to wash over me in a wave of euphoria, I glanced at the label. “Vitamin Water ZERO”. Oh no.

Panic plowed into my brain and took over my internal organs, I felt like I was going to throw up on myself. Not only does it taste like rotten banana juice, but it won’t even pump me full of blood surging energy!

Now I have hours of work left and feel like a lifeless zombie moooaagghhninhg for sugar coated brains.

If this is the last thing I ever write…