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Wooden

17 Jun

All I wanted was a chair that didn’t break my back and turn me into a deformed beast.

Being a tall man of men, I am constantly in search of a chair that doesn’t make my back feel like it’s going to fall off. 

So on this quaint summer day, I sit down to have a cool refreshing beverage at the local coffee mart, I place my bag on the table next to me, I sip my drink, each drop of cool liquid splashing lovingly against my teeth bones, I lean back…

This whack chair, has a back that only goes up about a foot. So now I have this piece of wood jabbing into the middle of my back. I bet my back is going to feel great after this… Whoever designed this should be sued for killing helpless trees (mother earth’s beautiful legs, of which she has millions of all over the world, that get savagely chopped off every day). Killing mother earth, for the single purpose of making my back hurt is not very nice.

Back pains make me,

ConstantlySad

Boogers

6 Dec

All I wanted was to know if snot was running down my face.

I don’t ask for much. A little food here, some water there. Maybe some clothes to keep me warm when the icy shivers of the world take over.

While I was out braving a very intense winter, I realized a slight lack of feeling in my facial region. That was ok because it was quite cold outside. I just had to last until I could make it into my next place of warmth. WARMTH…WARMTH

As I frolicked around in temperatures dipping down below pleasant, I reached up to scratch my nose.

My entire body went numb and exploded with feeling. Shock and horror swept over me as I felt a slimy sensation. I looked down, my hand was covered in boogers. I wanted to lay down and die. How long had this been there? My entire face was probably covered in snot boogers at this point.

I wanted to run into hiding, but there was no escape. Life and darkness closed in around me. I was confronted by blinding light and breathless dark, both pushing toward me, stealing my dignity.

I gave my nose another wipe and found that the icky wasn’t all over my face, just under my nose (and almost in my mouth).

It will take months to get over this tragedy. The great booger tragedy of December 2011.

ConstantlySad

Iced

17 Oct ConstantlySad

I like many things iced — coffee, tea, cubes, etc.

But, sandwiches? No, my bowels couldn’t handle that; I’m sure of it. Nor my taste buds. And I don’t feel like testing the threshold of my gag reflex.

My lunch hour is a sacred 60 minutes of my life. It’s that one hour of my day where I can mentally escape from the vultures who hang low over my desk, picking at my patience and exhausting my being of every ounce of energy I possess. I just cannot waste this precious moment of my day. And bringing a delicious lunch to munch on as I watch reruns of the Office is my idea of a wonderful lunch break. (Thus is the life of a working gal, carless and never in the mood to walk across the street to sit in the heat and people watch as I eat.)

However, after I carefully placed my familiar chicken salad sandwich on the second shelf of the refrigerator, I engage in pleasantries and casual chit-chat with my officemate as I skim over emails … until one catches my eye.

The refrigerator in the break room does not appear to be cooling – I threw out some stuff that’s been in there for weeks and really smelled.
We’ll see what we can do to get it fixed.  (The freezer is working).

Are you serious? My sandwich is heavy with mayonnaise (gross, I know, but hey, it’s from Trader Joe’s, so you know it’s some of the healthiest-ish mayonnaise around) and chicken. Cooling is a must.

So, my genius self put the sandwich in the freezer.

For two hours.

Unintentionally, of course.

Needless to say, I was left with a frozen sandwich and the need to spend more money.

To top things off, I forget to ask for a half sandwich at the nearby deli … that I had to walk to … in the heat.

I will never see those two extra dollars again.

I feel fucking bloated.

ConstantlySad

Keys

17 Oct

All I wanted was to start my day off right.

A lovely morning, a lovely stroll, and a double rainbow all across the sky.

I was happily skipping on my double rainbow, stopping to eat some sunshine berries, when my entire life turned to death.

I realized that I had locked the keys in the car.

A rush of cold sweat poured down my forehead. I may have soiled myself. What was once all good and fluffy bunnies in the world, was now a death rocket that shot out rotten banana paste.

I was forced to brave multiple hours of public transit to pick up a spare key from deep within the concrete jungle.

Among travelers who’s minds were lost, and renegade sidewalk surfers, I pushed deep into a land without rainbows.

After a lifetime in purgatory, I barely escaped with my life. I salvaged the spare key and returned home.

My life is forever a thunderstorm of hate.

ConstantlySad

Broken

11 Oct

All I wanted was to ride my skateboard.

I eagerly walked out into the cool night air, finally Arizona is below the triple digits!

In one fluid motion I tossed my skateboard onto the ground, jumped, pressed into the grip tape, and began pushing.

The refreshing breeze gave me a new life, I loved every second. The darkness didn’t bother me, the poorly lit sidewalks didn’t cause any threat. I pushed and pushed, gaining speed each time my foot hit the ground. Cars, people, lights, bushes, benches, all passed by me in a rush of fun and excitement!

However, one thing that refused to pass by me in compliance like all of the other friendly objects, was a large piece of sidewalk that angrily struck itself into the air above the rest of the smoothly shaped ground around me.

Full speed, too fast for my feet to save me. My board stopped, I continued. Straight into the ground.

I landed on a combination of my head and shoulder, like the shampoo, but not. This head and shoulder went numb until I could regain my composure. I waited a few minutes. Continued on my way, slept through the night, woke up at 5a.m. to turn off the alarm, sat up…*POP*.

Hmm that’s probably not good.

Broken collarbone.

ConstantlySad

Chocolate

1 Sep

All I wanted was a piece of chocolate that wasn’t made out of wood.

Every now and then, my mind craves chocolate like a fresh zombie craves brains. I can’t explain it, I just need it.

After scouring my apartment, I was rocketed into ecstacy as my eyes lay upon a giant bar of chocolate!

I approached the bar with the enthusiasm of an excited child about to unwrap a new bike.

But my launch sequence was flawed. Just before lift off, my ship blew up into nine billion tiny bits, when I realized my chocolate bar was made of wood.

I could not eat the chocolate bar.

ConstantlySad

Box

22 Aug

All I wanted to was to quickly and calmly open my box of Capn’ Crunch.

As I went to slip my hand into the open space between the two lid flaps on the stiff box of cardboard, my forehead glistened in anticipation of the deliciousness that was about to ensue.

Like pros, my hands works their way into the center of the crevice and smoothly pushed outward to the edge of the box. But something went horribly wrong. The glue holding the top flaps together was much too strong! I used all of my available skills to work the cardboard flappers free, but they just wouldn’t budge.

Next, unthinkable! The cardboard ripped at the edges making the lid flap an ugly uneven mess. I didn’t even want to look at it, let alone eat any of the Capn’s goodness. I felt like ripping my skin apart just as I had decimated what was once a lovely colored cardboard box of crunchy morsels.

How will I survive such an act of selfish greed? I could have had more patience. I could gotten a pair of scissors! Or a perhaps ran the box under some warm water. Anything to loosen the green grip of envy that the glue kept in an attempt to keep my cereal from me.

I ate the entire box.

ConstantlySad