4 Aug

All I wanted was a flavored beverage packed with sugar.

It was just after lunch, I had eaten too much pizza and chips and needed a sugary drink to save me before I fell into a catastrophic cat nap. I had tons of work to do and no time to throw into the garbage of a useless nap. What am I, 5?

I grabbed a vitamin water and headed back to work. Sleepily sipping on my drink, waiting for my sugar high to wash over me in a wave of euphoria, I glanced at the label. “Vitamin Water ZERO”. Oh no.

Panic plowed into my brain and took over my internal organs, I felt like I was going to throw up on myself. Not only does it taste like rotten banana juice, but it won’t even pump me full of blood surging energy!

Now I have hours of work left and feel like a lifeless zombie moooaagghhninhg for sugar coated brains.

If this is the last thing I ever write…




29 Jul

All I wanted were the questions

I am wise enough to know that in order to receive the answer, I must first know the right question. So on a mission to find those questions, I took a spiritual journey to Chile’s. Here I would see the light of a thousand eco friendly bulbs.

As thoughts poured into my head, my brain turned into moosh and my feet began to tingle. I was on the verge of discovering what I needed.

But what did I need?…I didn’t know.

The food arrived and all thought of realizing the reason for my psychotic dream (that’s another story), was re-purposed into plowing my meal into my face as fast as possible.

My stomach grew like a balloon. But it was being blown up too fast! Luckily I ran out of food before I exploded into hamburger chunks.

Maybe i’ll find enlightenment tomorrow. Until then…



20 Jul

All I wanted was to find my ipod cord.

The long white piece of string that not only transfers music into this magical device, but transfers my soul into a whole new world.

When my soul enters this magical world, I feel at peace. I feel accomplished. I feel as though I am a 7 year old child discovering the thrill of jumping into the pool for the first time. Running with excitement and joy with each step like the world can’t hold you back.

But slowly each step towards that pool is turning into dullness, hopelessness, and finally depression.

I jump into a pool full of despondency.

My whole new world  is now full of despondency…without my ipod cord.



Cold Shower

18 Jul Cold Shower, ConstantlySad

All I wanted was to wash the black-light paint off my body.

When I peeled my aching body off the living room floor, my recollection from the night was hazy at best.

My eyes burned when I stepped out of my newly emptied apartment, empty beer cans a classy touch to the paint-covered sidewalk immediately surrounding the building.

Feeling like death, I new I had to rush home to take a long, warm shower. Plus, I looked haggard, and someone with such stature as myself should never be lookin’ a hot mess.

I rip off my clothes, step into the tub, and turn on the water.

But … I forgot our gas hadn’t been turned on just yet; this hot mess was about to walk right into a cold front.

Freezing showers aren’t fun for anyone; unless they’re trying to subdue the fun from their body and eliminate thoughts of it from their mind.

Let’s make this story as short as that shower; I didn’t even wash all of the paint off. And the customers at Fry’s can second that.




16 Jul

All I wanted was a turkey sandwich.

Two pieces of bread, with some turkey in the middle. This is my snack of choice. Life becomes clear when I have a sandwich in my hands.

My body ascends into the clouds like the purest water evaporating into our sky. All I need is the tantalizing taste of turkey tickling my taste buds, and I am one with the comsos.

But when I reached for the bread, all that was left was the two end pieces. EWW GROSS! SICK! My face contorted in disgust as I almost violently threw up all over my kitchen, spewing chunks high into the air splashing lovingly against the ceiling, only to rain back down onto my face and into my mouth in a pukey rain haboob monsoon of barf.

Luckily I held it in long enough to charge to the front door, flail it open and hurtle the two disgusting bread ends into the air and away from my sight.

I slammed the door closed…my heart was in pieces and I was confused. I am no longer a drop of pure evaporating water. I am a stale beer, 1\3 of the way full and stinking up the room. How could the universe do this to me?

I can’t have a turkey sandwich today.



15 Jul

All I wanted was a worthy patronus.

A patronus that will finally describe myself as a wizard, not a muggle.

As I saw the Facebook application exploding all over my news feed to see which patronus a person would posses, excitement went viral throughout my body.


I hope I get something similar to Ron


My heart started to beat a little faster than normal, similar to the tempo Minus the Bear’s Knights drum intro.

Discover Your Patronus.


Think of a powerful memory.

A powerful memory? What is considered powerful? My heart’s tempo felt like it was at double time during a march. I started to panic. Is the memory I’m thinking of powerful enough? What if it’s not?

The symbols in the background started to crescendo, along with my anticipation.

One word dissolved onto the screen.


My heart stopped. I felt as though someone performed the immobulus charm on me. Disappointment washed over me as though someone empty a water jug full of it over my head. My eyelids became heavy as I looked down and shook my head to shake off all of the disgust I gained.

Then I peeked at the screen again.

“Your patronus is a cat. Cats are known for their intelligence and independence, as very capable hunters. The cat is the form of Dolores Umbridge’s patronus”

Dolores Umbridge.

The bitter cherry on top of my parfait of repugnance.

Someone please use the Avada Kedavra spell on me, because this patronus is the true Unforgivable Curse.

Cats make me…



Harry Potter Sadness

14 Jul Harry Potter Sadness, ConstantlySad, Photo: CLF, Flickr

All I wanted to spread the Harry Potter Midnight Release cheer —

— via sugar cookies, topped with the crack cocaine called frosting. They were on sale. So why not.

I left a note on the break room table at my workplace, right next to the opened container of cookies:

“Let’s celebrate the Harry Potter finale —
Muggle style.
Eat patriotic cookies!

I ran back to my desk, giddy, pretending to work but secretly just waiting for everyone’s reaction.

A smile still plastered on my face. I’m bouncing in my chair. I see a couple people walk toward the break room; I hear a chuckle. Then … nothing.

My usual wave of depression overwhelms me today. Normally I just doggy-paddle in it until I get exhausted and then float on my back until the workday is over.
Today I drown in it.

What the heck people? There are officially no Harry Potter fans in my office.

They only wanted cookies. They don’t care about H-Pots.

I wish I could reducto every one of you.
Well, if I don’t, Voldemort sure will.